


YOUR MOM SAYS YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS!

by rosa_himmelblau



Category: Fandom - Fandom
Genre: Play (Comedy)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 22:56:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20125216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosa_himmelblau/pseuds/rosa_himmelblau
Summary: What happens when a fan's mother calls a reality declutter show on her.





	YOUR MOM SAYS YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS!

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Connexions 2005. Never produced.

Cast:

Elyse (the fan)  
Mother (Elyse's Mom)

Samantha (Team Leader, a perky cheerleader type,)  
Ken (Cute Guy #1)  
Dave (Cute Guy #2  
Patty  
Kate

Samantha: On this episode of YOUR MOM SAYS YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS! my team and I take on the clutter of Elyse, whose mother says she's never thrown away a piece of paper in her life. Can the team straighten out Elyse's life?

(The team marches up to the door and knocks—all five of them knock. Elyse opens the door.)

Elyse: Yes?

Samantha: Elyse? I'm Samantha from YOUR MOM SAYS YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS! and this is the rest of the team: Ken, Dave, Patty and Kate. We're here to— 

(Elyse is not listening, she's watching Ken and Dave, who are standing with their arms around each others' shoulders)

Samantha: Elyse?

Elyse: Oh, yes, I know who you are. I used to watch your show, before my cable company dropped the station it's on. I heard about it on Television Without Pity, about how slashy Ken and Dave's relationship is, and—

(Ken and Dave suddenly break apart, moving as far away from each other as possible on the front porch.)

Ken: It's not true! We're just friends!

Dave: Friends, that's all, we just like to spend time together and give each other massages and—

Ken: I used to be married!

Dave (under his breath): That bitch! (Louder, competitive): Well, I have a new girlfriend every week!

Ken: Sure, the ones who don't like me better—

(They move to start fighting; Patty and Kate get between them, separating them, telling them that nobody really thinks they're anything more than friends.)

(Throughout they continue to stand separate from each other, but look at each other longingly, and keep moving closer together until they're eventually back to standing with their arms around each other.)

Samantha: ANYWAY! Your mother called us. She says you moved into this house five years ago and you have ten years of accumulated junk! And she wants us to help you out!

Elyse: My mother? Please don't tell me you brought my mother—

Samantha: Of course we brought your mother! She had some wonderful ideas about how to fix up your house and make it fit for human habitation again! Kate, go get Elyse's mother.

Elyse: Oh, my God.

(Kate goes off-stage, returns with Elyse's mother.)

Elyse: Mom! How could you do this to me?

Mother: But you told me you liked this show! I remember, you brought a tape over to show it to me, and I got to thinking that if anybody could help you get your house cleaned up, it would be these queer boys you like so much.

(Everybody (except Mother) freezes. The team stares at Elyse coldly, while she looks uncomfortable.)

Samantha: This is NOT _Queer Eye For the Straight Guy_! This is _YOUR MOM SAYS YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS!_

Mother: But I thought those two were—

(motions to Ken and Dave, who have resumed their normal position. They part again, glaring, muttering things like, _I told you to keep your hands to yourself! _ and_ Keep your hands out of my pockets! _)

Mother: I mean, how many homosexuals can there **be** on television?

Ken: We're not gay! We just like to stand really, really close and touch all the time and eat off each other's plates!

Dave: I told you you should quit eating off my plate! I told you people were talking!

Ken: When did you tell me that?

Dave: The other night, when you spent the night.

Ken: You mean when I was asleep? I keep telling you, stuff you tell me when I'm asleep doesn't count! I don't care what you read in that subliminal book of yours, you can't just whisp, er—

Dave: Will you shut up!

(Patty and Kate go to soothe them again)

Samantha (pointedly): Do you think you could at least let us into the house?

Elyse: Um, yeah, sure, come on in.

(Boxes and piles of tapes and piles of zines and piles of papers and—it's a fan house, you know what it looks like. Several TVs, even more VCRs, as many remotes as we can get our hands on. Binding machine, computer, printers, laptop—as I say, it's a fan house. Everyone looks around with expressions of shock, except for Elyse and Mother. Elyse looks hopeless; Mother looks disappointed. Patty and Kate begin rummaging through boxes. Ken and Dave begin measuring things. They do this together.)

Mother: You see? I have two daughters, and the other one, Megan, has a house so tidy, you could eat off the floor.

Elyse: Mother, I don't want to be like Megan! Megan's a drug addict.

Mother: And her habit is less expensive than yours! **And** she doesn't need **any** storage space! You should see this one's basement!

Elyse: Her place is uncluttered because she's hocked everything she ever owned! She doesn't have any furniture!

Mother: Besides, she's lost 25 lbs.!

Elyse: Mother, I'm not going to become a junkie just to lose weight! Besides, I couldn't live like Megan. She doesn't even have a television!

Samantha (patting Mother comfortingly on the shoulder as she leads her to the door): I think we can solve your daughter's problem without resorting to illegal substances. We just need to go through and see what she can live without. Why don't you just leave it to us?

Mother: All right. But Elyse, I'm calling you tomorrow! You answer the phone—don't make me talk to that machine!

(The door closes behind her. Samantha turns back to Elyse.)

Samantha: Now then. Elyse, why is your living room filled with cardboard boxes?

Elyse: I've been cleaning up!

Samantha: And why do you have three VCRs?

Patty: Four.

Samantha: Excuse me?

Patty: Four, there's one in this box—

Kate: Five! I found another one!

Samantha: Elyse, why do you have—multiple VCRs?

Elyse: Well, one of them doesn't work, I use it of as a rewinder, and one is hooked up to another one for making copies of—

(realizing that these people are on television and might not look kindly to copies of shows being made)

Elyse: —home movies, for my—uh, technologically-challenged friends at work. And this new show came on . . . .

Samantha: What?

Elyse: I had everything worked out. There were a couple of nights I was taping two shows at a time, so I was good with just two fully-functioning VCRs, but now they've suddenly started showing_ Law & Order_—various _Law & Order_s—just any time they feel like it, and one Friday night—_NUMB3RS_ . . . .(she trails off)

Ken: Why couldn't you just watch it while you taped the other two shows?

Elyse: And not have a copy of it to watch again later?

Dave: Yeah, what's the matter with you? What she needs to do is get a Tivo.

Ken: But even Tivo won't tape more than two things at once.

Patty: I **really** like that guy on _NUMB3RS_! Do you have all the episodes? I think I missed a cou—

(seeing Samantha's look, she goes quiet. At some point   
Kate has found a zine to read, and a bag of potato chips or cookies or something, and is now sitting and reading and eating. No one will notice this for a while).

Samantha: Dave, Ken, what do you think about this space? Is there anything you can do with it?

Ken: Huh? What? Oh, space, yeah, good space, right buddy?

Dave: Yeah, good space, great space.

Samantha (growing rather anxious, pounces on a stack of newspapers): What are these? They look like—year old newspapers? Why do you need year old newspapers?

Elyse: They all have descriptions of _24_. It's my best friend's favorite show, and the newspaper in her city doesn't put in descriptions, so I save mine to send her—

Samantha: But they're a year old!

Elyse: I've been busy!

Samantha: You just can't **let** yourself be too busy to straighten (off the word straighten Ken and Dave unhappily separate) up your house! Now what could possibly be more important?

Elyse: I was doing a zine! (off a roomful of blank looks, she picks up a zine and hands it to Samantha.) A zine. And I'm writing a _Stargate_ novel, and I'm putting on a con—a convention! I've spent all my free time talking to hotels and printers and author and fans who don't read their progress reports—

Kate (around a mouthful of food): What kind of con? When is it?

Patty (finds a zine with a beautifully illustrated cover of two naked men): Oh, my God! This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Where can I get one of these?

(By this time Ken and Dave are actively making out.)

Samantha: **What is wrong with you people? We have to get rid of all this clutter? ** Ken, Dave, get your hands off each other and measure something—

Patty: I think they **are** measuring something.

Samantha (growing desperate, begins to rummage through a box of tapes): You have to get rid of some things! What about this box of blank tapes? You could sell them at a garage sale!

Elyse: Those tapes aren't blank!

Samantha: They don't have any labels. (She looks in another box.) Neither do these.

Elyse: Those are _Star Trek_ tapes.

Samantha: There must be over a hundred tapes here! How can you have that many tapes for a show that was only on two years?

Everyone (including Ken & Dave, who break a kiss to say it): Three years, _Star Trek_ was on **three** years!

Samantha: Three years, then, it's still tapes way too many tapes. And aren't these the DVDs? Since you have the DVDs, you don't need the tapes anymore, why don't you just tape over them?

Elyse (embarrassed): I can't. And I can't sell them at a garage sale to someone else who will tape over them!

Samantha: But if you don't need them anymore—

Kate: Would you give them to someone who would give them a good home?

Elyse: I tried! But all my friends are getting them on DVD too and—

Kate: I meant me!

Patty (looking through another box): Do you have tapes of _Sopranos_? I didn't start watching until third season, but I love it.

Elyse: Somewhere around here. I just never seem to get around to labeling anything.

Patty: We should order a pizza and start watching them. I could make labels—I've got a label-maker in the van.

Samantha: We're not going to sit and watch tapes! We have a house to unclutter, stuff to get rid of! You have a whole box of tiny toy Torinos—

Dave (looking up from a kiss): Really?

Samantha: You could put them in the garage sale, too—

Elyse: But I bought them at garage sales! I couldn't just leave them there alone!

Dave: Can I have one?

Patty: Me too! And these zines—

(Ken has pulled Dave to the floor and are tearing at each other's clothes)

Kate: I'll take anything she doesn't want! Let's start moving things out to the van! (She grabs a box)

Patty (also with a box. She nudges Ken & Dave with her foot): Get up from there and help carry things out to the van.

Samantha: But—I came here to unclutter your life and you've destroyed my group!

Elyse (flings her arms around Samantha): You **are **uncluttering my life. My old tapes are going to good homes, my zines are stacked neatly. You can help make labels for the tapes I'm keeping. And I promise, we'll throw away the pizza box when we're done.

Samantha (grudgingly): Do—do you have any _Xena_ tapes?


End file.
